We all at school taught Krylov's fable "The Crow and the Fox." With the help of flattery, the fox manages to lull the crow's vigilance and get its cheese. We laugh at a stupid bird that has bought into such rude and obvious flattery, and at the same time we fall into similar traps. It is understandable. It's nice to be praised. However, nobody wants to become a victim of someone else’s calculation. To do this, you need to be able to recognize flattery and use it correctly.
How to recognize flattery
Flattery is a reasonable praise of a person in order to obtain any benefit. As a rule, with the help of flattery, those virtues that you do not have are highlighted and exalted. Example. I don’t know how to sing. Therefore, if I sing in a company and they say to me: “You have a very good voice!”, I will understand that this is flattery. And then, you might think, I do not know what my voice is. Words that state facts are not considered flattery. For example, when they tell me that I write good books. In such cases, this is simply praise.
Since the purpose of flattery is to obtain benefits, they flatter those from whom this benefit can be obtained. Flattery can be dispensed only by people who are equal to each other or those who do not seek to receive any benefit from another.
If you want to express your admiration, but do not want to be considered a flatterer - praise only that which corresponds to reality and causes you sincere delight. If nothing good is visible in a person, then it is better not to invent anything, not to flatter, and just keep silent. Insincerity does not lead to anything good.
I recall one case when I was genuinely delighted.
I served in the army when in 1964 there was a mess in China. We relocated to Central Asia. Our medical authorities were terrible and not even worth a penny. Once a doctor came to our garrison. So he really told us and showed how to work. Every day he got up at 6 in the morning, went around everything, checked all the materials, documents. In just a week, he put everything in order with us. I expressed him my admiration for how great he was doing. Then we talked. He asked what I was dreaming of. I said that I would like to serve in the hospital. Then I found out that this doctor had a meeting with the officers of our unit, that he described me very well and said: “If we take him to medical work, do not put obstacles in his way.” Like this. But I just sincerely admired his work. Of course, we had our own divisional doctor, but this one literally made a revolution!
Be careful when working with flatterers. These people are quite cruel in nature. They say about such people: "Honey on the lips, dagger in the bosom."
Why should they be feared? The fact is that, in order to gain profit from you, flatterers deliberately put themselves below you, and therefore feel humiliated. As soon as they achieve their goal or climb a little higher than you, their attitude towards you will radically change. At best, contempt on their part awaits you, at worst - revenge for the humiliation experienced.
Flatterers, as a rule, always achieve their goal. It can be small indulgences like extraordinary days off, a shortened working day or a trip to a summer camp for a child. The most agile can achieve more significant results, for example - high career advancement. However, do not rush to envy such a flatterer, because if, apart from sweet speeches, he does not have the corresponding professional knowledge and skills, he will not last long in his place.
I will give an example of good flattery.
I had one student who had long outgrown his position, but still could not get higher. We prepared a toast for the anniversary of the director of the company. At the grand banquet, guests vied with each other praised and thanked the birthday man. What did my student do? He stood up and said: “Ivan Ivanovich. You’re even firing me, but I’ll tell the whole truth. You are a scoundrel. Why did you work so well in our area, but did not write a book about it? After all, these technologies need to be distributed throughout Russia! We have so many regions! So I wish you all well-being, and still write a book. Such a great experience is disappearing! ” Tell me, did his boss fire him or not? And who did he recommend retiring when he left? Right, my student! Of course, as a result of this very toast, his career did not immediately skyrocket. But they paid attention to him, they became interested in him. And since he is an intelligent worker, they gave him a raise. But flattery is also so complicated - “criticism” for good deeds. You can’t find fault with this.
What to do if you are flattered?
Since flattery is aimed at gaining benefits, you need to hide the cheese under your arm and calmly respond to the sly fox. For example, you can reply to the flattery of your subordinate like this: “Thank you for such a high opinion of me. I know that you speak sincerely because you do not expect from me either an increase in salaries or promotions. " Thus, the fox was flattered, but received nothing for it. I analyze this issue in more detail in the book Psychological Aikido, as well as in my seminars.
Flattery happens not only in official relationships. They do not pay attention to it or attach importance to it, but much more often flattery happens in love relationships.
Flattery in a relationship
Dear readers, who do you think flatter more often: men or women? Of course, men. A typical situation - a guy just met a girl, and he invites her to drink coffee. At the same time, he praises without ceasing. And she already hung her ears. How does this end? Of course, bed. They will have sex, and the next day it will disappear.
The girls who work on themselves in our club, firstly, are not greedy for flattery, and secondly, they know how to answer it. For example, “Thank you for the praise. She is sincere. There is no request behind her. You won't get into bed with me. ” Or this option: "I promised myself that until I earn my own apartment, car and cottage, I can’t have sex."
Women also flatter in relationships. There is even a separate view - Sweet-sounding sirens. They are men, but more often than not, women act as sirens. How to recognize and neutralize them - read in my article.
Many women ask me how to keep my husband when he cheats or leaves the family. I tell them - flatter. Men are primitive animals, they only need flattery. And what do women usually do in our country? They constantly criticize and educate their husbands. And you just need to flatter. This will be the basis of your prosperous life.
A perfect example is the tale of Hans Christian Andersen.
Once upon a time there was a husband and wife. They had a horse and very little land. The man decided to go to the fair to sell the horse or exchange it for something else. His wife let him go, saying: “Well, go. You’re my expert, you don’t change badly. ” He went to the fair and traded a horse for a cow. On the way home, he traded a cow for a goat, a goat for a chicken, and a chicken for a bag of rotten leaves. At night, when he was sheltered for the night, his bag sank. One lodger told the peasant: "Here the wife will set you a bastard." And the man replies: “No, he won’t. She will hug me, kiss me and say that I did everything right. ” They argued on a barrel of gold, and in the morning they arrived at the man's house.
His wife met him, kissed him on the lips and said: "Well, tell me." He told that he exchanged a horse for a cow, and she told him: “Oh, how smart you are! Indeed, we do not need a horse, but here there will be milk. " Then he told me that he had exchanged a cow for a goat. And she told him: “What a fellow you are! There is so much milk from a cow, where will we put it? And from a goat just a little. And goat’s milk is healthier than cow’s. ” Then the man said that he had exchanged a goat for chicken, and his wife told him: “How smart you are! You know everything! We will have a chicken egg, and we will live happily ever after. ” As a result, the man admitted to his wife that he had exchanged chicken for a bag of rotten leaves. And she answers him: “How clever you are! I decided to bake a cake for your arrival. I had flour, but there was no onion. I went to a neighbor, and she answered me: "Yes, we don’t even have a rotten sheet." So I’ll show her these leaves and say: “This is my wealth! I can at least give you everything. ” As a result, the man won a barrel of gold, so it can be said that he traded a horse very well.
So in family life there is no need to criticize. Nobody needs it. Better flatter. And if you are accused of insincerity, then remember one of the important rules of life: if a person scolds someone, it means that he gives himself a characterization.
Books and audio recordings on the topic:
How to flatter girls
1. Flattery words
1.1 Flatter the specific details of her appearance. The best way to compliment a girl is to pay attention to her appearance. You can do this without disgusting comments and special attention to her physical data.
Be specific to your flattery, for example, “I really like the way this green sweater accentuates the green shade of your eyes.” A detailed compliment should be about the specific details of her appearance, and not just “you're cute” or “you're beautiful”.
Another good way to flatter is to pay attention to the combination of her clothes. If she wears beautiful earrings, say, “These earrings look very beautiful on you. You have a good taste".
Do not, do not do, do not make vulgar compliments (“cool ass” or “I would give a fuck”) only if you know the girl very well and she will correctly perceive your comment. Most girls (whom you do not know) will take this compliment with hostility.
1.2 Use an alternative to the words “hot” and “sexy”. These compliments are used too often and lose their strength over time. Even “beautiful” may not be the best option. Use other words for compliments of this kind.
Some interesting options for use in compliments: “radiant,” “breathtaking,” “elegant” or “dazzling” and others.
You can even use the word “incredible”, which can flatter not only her appearance, but also her character.
1.3 Flatter her character. Too often, people only compliment on a girl’s appearance. Expand the boundaries of flattery and think about its personal qualities. Be specific and honest, otherwise you will not be taken seriously.
Say, for example, “I love spending time with you, any party turns into the best when you're around.”
Or note how kind and generous the girl is. If she helps friends and family all the time, you can say something like “It's so great that you help people! But try not to forget about your personal interests. ” You will show that you noticed her qualities, and that you care about her.
1.4 Flatter one of her achievements. Women, like men, want to be noticed not only because of their appearance. Learn about her achievements and flatter her about them.
If she plays a musical instrument or sings, ask her to play for you. Praise her. Make a compliment unique. You can say: “You are so good at keeping high notes!”
If she has just finished playing a difficult game, praise her. (Don't say “You do well for a girl,” this is not a compliment.)
If she has just completed a dissertation or a master's degree, praise her choice of education and how hard she tried to achieve this.
1.5 Let her know how much she means to you. Flattery is a way of conveying information about how important this person is to you and why.
For example, you might say, “It's so easy to find a common language with you.”
Another example: “No one makes me laugh like you.” You pay attention to details that are important to her, unique details that she will value in the future.
1.6 Flatter her ideas. Making it clear that her ideas are great is a great way to compliment her. She will feel smart and will understand that you pay attention to her conversations and listen carefully.
If she is engaged in art work (writer, paintings, photography, music and others) tell her that she has a well-developed creative thought. Even better, give an example of her work. For example: "I really like the green color that you used in this picture, the result was very beautiful."
1.7 Ask for her opinion. Thus, you are flattered and show that you respect her opinion, and you are not indifferent to what she thinks.
If you know that she is interested in politics, talk to her about it. Say that she changed your outlook on things.
In particular, ask the girl for an opinion if she is an expert in any field. If she works as a marketer, ask her about advertising or promoting a company’s image.
2. Flattery in action
2.1 Give her something. You do not need to buy a very expensive gift, like a diamond necklace, but something small that will show your attention and thoughts about it.
If she likes flowers, give her a beautiful bouquet of her favorite flowers. Giving her favorite flowers, you will show that you paid attention to her preferences.
If she loves gardening, give her the seeds of rare plants that she has long wanted, or a pair of new gloves.
If she often writes, in a diary or just like that, buy her a notebook or an interesting pen. Try to choose something according to her interests that she will like very much.
2.2 Show that you are listening to her. Showing that you listened to her or noticed the things that she did, you give a very important compliment, many forget about it. Naturally, you need to listen to what she is talking about and be attentive to the things that she does.
If she has problems with a neighbor or family member, ask her about it. This will show your care and concern.
If she is considering a new hairstyle, piercing or tattoo, give a compliment when this happens. Say: “This haircut is very suitable for you” or “Very creative and beautiful tattoo. Did you draw it yourself? ”
2.3 Take an interest in her achievements. Even if it is something small, ask her to show you something that she is proud of. It can be anything from baking to clothes and so on.
Ask her for help with a project on the topic that she understands. For example, if a girl works as a furniture designer. Ask her for help with your apartment and a selection of new furniture.
If she is a good web designer, ask her for help with web page design for your new book, new company, or simple blog.
2.4 Trust her choice of movie / restaurant / music. When you encourage the idea of making decisions for the two of you, you make it clear that she has good taste, and you trust her. The idea that someone thinks you have good taste is very flattering.
Say, "You always choose good food, why don't you choose both of us for us."
Ask her for help in choosing clothes (if she likes it). Tell her that she tastes good and she always notices good clothes, and you would really like her to help you. You will spend more time with her and show how important her talents are.
2.5 Offer help. If she goes through difficult times or organizes an event, help her. This will show that you have noticed her problems and want to take care of her.
If she is busy at work, at the university, or in other things, offer her dinner and wash the dishes (it will be a bonus if you cook it yourself).
If she is organizing an event, offer her your help and try to ensure that she successfully handles this business. She will not forget your help in her affairs and will understand that you are interested in her activities.
Ask her what she wants. If she is tired, and you offered to have a massage, while she said no, do not insist and ask how you can help her.
2.6 Show your respect for her. This is a very important part of your flattery for her. Respect its qualities and as a person as a whole. If you do not show respect, your flattery will seem strange.
For example: if you say something good about her appearance, and she does not answer, do not insist. Do not think badly of her if she did not answer your compliment.
Remember: just because you said something good or did something good does not mean that she owes you something.
Notice something new in it and point it out.
Specificity, honesty and respect are the main criteria for flattery for girls (in fact, for all people). Be specific in your compliments, be honest in your words and respect her answer.
Do not bother her with your flattery.
Do not flatter about the same thing. If you make three identical compliments over and over again, she might think that you notice only these three things in her (especially if you flatter her appearance).