When you become emotionally attached to someone, it is very painful to realize that this person does not feel the same for you. Especially if you are in a relationship. As if you are alone in your feelings and emotions. And as if you would never find mutual love. But there is always hope. And you can always make your life better. You just need to know how to survive this stage of life and emotionally "get rid" of the one to whom you are attached.
1. Give yourself time.
It is not easy. Even if you really want to forget it. You can't just force yourself to do it. It takes time, and you need patience to survive it.
2. Do not be afraid to go in search of love again.
You may think that you need to wait until you are back to normal. But you can never feel absolutely ready for a new love. You just have to try. Just adjust your expectations first.
3. Think about what went wrong in your relationship.
Stop focusing on what you are missing. Remember that there is a reason why your relationship has ended. And you need to focus on this if you really want to move on.
4. Focus on personal growth and development.
One of the most effective ways is to be selfish. Stop thinking about your ex. Stop thinking about other people at all. Focus on your life and devote time and energy to becoming better. Make a conscious effort to improve. And love yourself.
5. Decide to close forever the chapter of past relationships.
Make sure you relate to past relationships as truly past. Go further. Do not forget about them completely. Recognize that they had a place to be in your life, but look forward, not backward.
This is the whole process. This cannot be done in one night. So be patient and move on.
How to emotionally pull away
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When you are faced with a very difficult situation, and it’s hard for you, perhaps the best way out is to emotionally step back. Of course, this is not a method of solving your problems, and this should not be abused. Moreover, this method should not be used as a “weapon” against others or as a substitute for communication. Nevertheless, if you have to survive a difficult moment in a relationship, a temporary suspension will help calm down and solve this problem in the future. In the end, if you just ended the relationship, you still have to gradually and permanently pull away.
Lesson purpose - understand the need to step aside with love from a loved one who is addicted to surfactants, and discuss how this can be done. The task of pulling away scares the co-dependent.
They confuse healthy care for their loved ones, love for them with excessive involvement in the problem of chemical dependence.
It must be emphasized what removal is not.
Suspension is not a cold, hostile isolation. This is not a deprivation of a significant intimate love and care. To step away means to extract oneself psychologically, emotionally, and sometimes physically from networks of unhealthy, painful relationships with another person. To step away means to step back some distance from problems that we cannot solve.
Suspension is based on the position that every adult is responsible for himself. We cannot solve other people's problems, our anxiety for another does not help him. When we move away, we remove our hands from the console of responsibility for other people and strive only for responsibility for ourselves.
On the example of the facts reported by the group members, it must be emphasized that those present here have already done a lot in order to solve the patient's problems. If you still could not solve the problem, then now you should learn to live, despite this problem, or live with the problem. Turn your attention to what is good in life today.
To enhance the feeling of gratitude, you can ask those present to list everything for which they can be grateful to fate at present. Do not forget about simple things - about clean air, the sun, etc. This technique allows you not to think about the problem in which they are involved excessively.
Alienation means acquiring the skill to live "here and now." To live in the present tense without the favorite expression "Ah, if." Regrets of the past and fears of the future are eradicated. We say thank you to the past, and hello to the future. Alienation involves accepting reality, facts. Removal requires faith - in oneself, in other people, in the natural course of events, in destiny, faith in God helps. Suspension is healthy neutrality.
The reward for achieving suspension is great:
- This is a clarity of perception of reality.
- This is a feeling of deep reassurance.
- This is the ability to give and receive love.
- This is a surge of energy.
- This is an increase in self-esteem.
- This is the freedom to find a real solution to the problem.
“When I didn’t know how to distance myself from the problems of my husband and my daughter,” Irina says, “I felt. Subhuman. It was some kind of condition. I was like an appendage of another person. Now I first began to appear in the center of my own consciousness” .
How is suspension removed?
For this, 3 conditions are necessary:
- Clear awareness of their problems.
- The desire to change the usual course of their reactions.
- A bit of practice.
However, these conditions are necessary for recovery from co-dependence in general. In co-dependence, as in the entire mental sphere of man, everything is interconnected. If the co-dependent has learned to open and express his feelings, if he refuses to control behavior, if he knows how or wants to understand his needs, then it is easier for him to achieve detachment.
If it is impossible to step aside with love, then you can temporarily practice suspension in anger. It is only necessary to strive for removal.
Helping to achieve detachment is relaxation, concentration of attention on one’s breathing, one’s needs. To laze around - this too can sometimes be the satisfaction of one's needs. The main thing is to shift the focus to yourself.
Theme: "Promotion - Reaction"
purpose - to show by examples from the lives of those present that many of their feelings, thoughts and actions arose only as a reaction to a patient with addiction, in response to something. It is necessary to strive from reaction to action, i.e. to actions coming from oneself.
Over the years of life with a patient with addiction to surfactants, his close (co-dependent) accustomed to live more reactively, reactions to his condition and behavior than active, i.e. live on your own behalf, in accordance with your own interests and, ultimately, in your own interests.
Reaction examples: "When my husband suffers from a hangover, my head also hurts. He is sick and I'm sick."
“I reacted especially strongly to crises and thought that almost everything was a crisis. For a while I hid the panic, but in the meantime the panic bordering on hysteria was growing in me and an explosion of completely uncontrollable feelings was inevitable. My whole life was a reaction to life "other people, their desires, their problems, their shortcomings, their successes, their identities. I was like a doll with strings. The strings were pulled out, and I seemed to invite any person, any event to pull me strings."
"I read in an article that 60 percent of daughters of alcoholics marry alcoholics. I was one of these women. But here I gave a reaction. I got indignation, anger at the author, as if I personally offended, It was an automatic reaction, without participation logic. "
Most co-addicts are reaction people. They react with feelings of anger, guilt, shame, hatred, anxiety, pain, controlling gestures, acts of excessive care, depression, despair, panic, rage, and fury. But most of all they react with fear and anxiety.
Response is part of normal life.
The thing is that the co-dependent react so strongly that the reaction force goes beyond normal boundaries. Any events - small, large - have power over them. When co-dependent react, they lose their personal right to think, feel and behave in their best interests.
The response usually does not help. Crisis reactions have become a habit. The co-dependent react so because they think: what happened should not have happened. There should not be such a state of affairs as it is.
The co-dependent react so because they feel bad, because they don’t think anything good about themselves. They are sure that they should not react so strongly that these feelings were imposed on them. They need to be shown that they should not be so afraid of everything, should not lose their right to calm, are not obliged to take everything in the world so seriously and so close to heart.
We pay attention to the trigger mechanism of the reaction. If a co-dependent person feels fear, indignation, insult, if it seems to him that they reject him, they do not like him, and he is very sorry for himself or ashamed, and the person experiences anxiety, this may be the beginning of chain reactions that we are trying to get rid of.
One can ask the following question: How long do you want to feel that way? What do you want to do with all this?
The antidote to excessive and unreasonable reactions is the desire to bring oneself into a comfortable state. To do this, you need to talk and do as little as possible until the state of reaction passes and the usual level of calm and tranquility is restored.
You need to do something safe - take a few deep breaths, go for a walk, go to your friends, wash the kitchen, read a book, tie yourself in pleasure. You can do meditation, pray, go to a meeting of Al-Anon, Nar-Anon.
Having calmed down somewhat, a co-dependent person can analyze what happened - a big event, a small event, a familiar event that has happened many times before. If it is difficult to understand alone, then you need to look for help outside yourself.
- Do you need to apologize?
- Do you want to let everything drift?
- Do you need to talk with someone heart to heart?
- Do you need to make any other decision? We propose to consider the language of co-dependent and healthy people (given in table form).
The language of reactive people, i.e., co-dependent
The language of projective people, i.e. people with healthy interdependence
I can do nothing about it
I am so arranged, so programmed and cannot be otherwise
Let's look at alternatives
I can take a different approach
I control my feelings
I will choose the appropriate reaction
Life is governed by co-dependent feelings, those who overcome co-dependence by values.
The main thing in life of co-dependent is to have, in proactive - to be.
The circle of concern among the co-dependent is wide. This generates negative energy, which, in turn, leads to victimization.
The proactive circle of their own influence is narrower. Their energy is positive, which gives rise to a good effect for themselves and for others.
The consequences for reactive people are unexpected, for proactive consequences - are foreseen.
Reactive people do not give themselves the right to make a mistake.
Projective people acknowledge their mistakes, correct them. Mistakes are the source of wisdom.
The key to projectivity: from the beginning of the chain reaction, bring yourself into a comfortable state. Include personal right to think, feel, behave in your best interests. Do not forget the right to choose.
Ask yourself what happened, big deal or small? Is there any other decision to make? Talk to someone heart to heart?
Step by step.
Many people have already gone through this in the past, Relationship Rules admits. Love is not always mutual; love does not always live up to expectations. Relationships may not work out if you are too different.
And it doesn't have to be your favorite. This may be the best friend who is moving away from you. And you understand that every meeting can be the last.
Pain is the dark side of love that people try not to remember when relationships are born. But she comes when a relationship dies.
And you are desperate to avoid this pain, but do not know what to do. You really want to overcome attachment to a person with whom you will no longer be together. You want to get away from this unrequited love, because you hate the pain that it brings into your life.
Writer and entrepreneur Paul Hudson once said: “This is such a love that does not signal the beginning of something beautiful, but rather the end of something that could be beautiful, but will never be something more than that that already exists. "
And this is a difficult situation. You feel that you are completely helpless, and there is no way out. But this is not true. There are several steps you can take to speed up the healing process. If you want to know how to distance yourself from someone you can't be with, follow these tips:
10. Confess that you really feel.
Sometimes all that is needed to get out of a situation is to close gestalt. And one of the best ways to get it closed is to simply talk about your feelings. If you reciprocate, then fine. If not, then at least you can move on knowing that you did everything you could.
Perhaps this plan of action will help you quickly "fall sick" after a failed relationship. Take care of yourself and do not get stuck in sadness for a long time, because life is full of surprises and new meetings!