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How to learn to behave in an adult?


Each person carries the features of a little boy or little girl. He sometimes feels, thinks, speaks and reacts in the same way as he did in childhood.

Eric Byrne. "People who play games"

Have you noticed that in different situations of life you feel and behave differently?

Sometimes you are an adult, independent person who feels confident and free. You realistically evaluate the environment and act accordingly. You make your own decisions and express yourself freely. You act without fear and desire to please someone. You can say that at the moment - you are at your best. This happens when you are engaged in work in which you feel like a professional, or in another business that you love and that you manage to do well. This happens when you are in a state of inner comfort and safety - when you do not need to prove anything, when no one evaluates you, judges you, or measures you on a scale of merits, when you can just live and be yourself, free, open, as it is.

But you can also recall situations when you suddenly began to behave like a child. And it’s one thing when you yourself allow yourself to have fun, laugh, play and fool around like a child, regardless of age - this is sometimes so necessary for every adult. But it’s a completely different matter when you fall into the role of a child completely against your will. Someone offended you - and you begin to complain and cry very childishly. You make excuses with a thin baby voice when someone pointed out your shortcomings sternly and edifyingly. There was a nuisance - and you want to hide under the covers, to hide from everyone, as you did in childhood. An important person for you looks at you appraisingly, and you are embarrassed, or begin to curry favor, or vice versa - show contempt, depending on how in childhood you reacted to such adult behavior towards you. For most adults, this retreat into childhood is uncomfortable. You are not free, you have ceased to be yourself, having lost your adult strength and confidence. You were driven into this role against your will, and you do not know how to regain your usual self-esteem.

Many of us try to avoid the role of the child by simply limiting our communication with those people who drive us into this role. Many are therefore trying to increase the distance between themselves and their parents. But the problem cannot be solved by this, because instead of parents there appears some kind of strict boss, or spouse suspiciously similar to mother, and the sleeping child is right there again, making us behave completely childish.

Each of us has another role - the parent. Each person, regardless of whether he has children or not, behaves from time to time in the same way as his parents behaved. If you behave as a caring and loving parent - in relation to children, other people or to yourself, this can only be greeted. But why do you sometimes suddenly start to condemn, criticize, scold others (or yourself?) Why do you passionately want to convince someone of your innocence or to impose your opinion? Why do you teach, dictate your own rules, demand submission? Because these are all manifestations of parental behavior. That is how your parents behaved with you. Exactly so, at some moments of your life you behave.

Some people think that acting like a parent means being an adult. But this is not at all true. When you behave as a parent, you obey the parental program inherent in you, which means that you are not free at this moment. You realize what you have been taught, acting automatically, without thinking whether it is good or bad for you and others. Truly an adult is completely free and not subject to any programming. The most favorable, comfortable and constructive condition for each person is the condition of an Adult. Only an Adult is able to adequately assess reality and navigate it in order to make the right decisions. An adult is a natural, normal state for all, it is originally inherent in you from nature. Adult as a condition I do not depend on age, even young children have it. You just have to find this state in yourself, then strengthen it and strengthen it!

And in this, transactional analysis can help you.

Garasyuta Zlata Aleksandrovna

Psychologist Moscow Was online: Today

Answers on the site: 182 Conducts of trainings: 0 Publications: 17

Eugene, good afternoon!

Tell me, please, how to feel like an adult 21-year-old man, and not a 14-year-old girl?

Unfortunately, there are hardly any simple behavioral strategies (using which you can easily and quickly feel like an adult). Since our sense of self is formed not a single year and includes how significant adults relate to us. Your story is saturated with the feeling of resentment that you have for your mother. This feeling is obviously very contradictory: on the one hand, memories of mom’s inattention to your life and lack of care on her part, on the other hand, mother’s habit of complaining about your problems (i.e., to some extent, you speak the role of the parent for her).

Resentment against mother, of course, complicates your life and growing up. Another point that to consciously cross out all previous years and forget the bad is hardly possible, or it will only be on the surface. It seems to me that it would be useful to work out and rethink the significant situations from your childhood, to "pull to the surface" the image of the mother in your mind and build a dialogue with him.

And from the point of view of actions, your plans to work after school (especially since you already had positive experience) is a useful decision for growing up.

Garasyuta Zlata, psychologist in Moscow, direction - transactional analysis

Why do many adults remain children

If an adult is infantile, then he simply does not want to grow up or does not know how to do it. In the first case, a person is so comfortable and easier to live. After all, he does not need to think anything, other people decide for him: where to go to study, who to work with, how much to earn. And why blame for their mistakes and mistakes, why take it upon themselves? After all, the incident, employee, close friend is to blame for everything. An infantile person does not dare to make decisions and tries in every possible way to escape from responsibility.

There is a psychological theory of E. Berne, according to which a child, an adult and a parent live in each of us.

Unfortunately, such childishness will not lead to good. Sooner or later, life will give a kick and then the choice remains with adult “children” - either whine further and complain about fate, or take life in your own hands and embark on the path of growing up.

The world of adults: what it really is

Adult life is not like youth and childhood. Everything is much more serious here. After all, all responsibility for you lies not on the shoulders of your parents, relatives or friends, but on your own. If you are wondering, “How to grow up?” First you need to find out what adult life is like, how a fully formed person behaves.

A serious individual is not one who smokes, drinks alcohol and has a sexually active life, but one who lives separately from his parents and does not depend on them financially, that is, a person who fully provides for himself and does everything himself.

An adult can be easily recognized by what and how he says what actions and actions he performs. There is no frequent giggle in his life, like that of a teenager, and in conversation there are no gossip and empty meaningless topics. He appreciates his time, speaks about the case, and jokes only when appropriate.

Domestic and Western psychologists have identified some criteria for psychological maturity:

  • responsibility for their actions and what is happening around,
  • understanding of people, love and respect for them,
  • making rational informed decisions,
  • the ability to properly communicate with the outside world,
  • ability to be realized in terms of profession,
  • ability to withstand stresses and various difficulties encountered in life.

In addition to this, adults have rich life experience, their world is not chaotic, but more structured. They know where to move, what to do, what goals to set.

Effective Ways to Grow Up

Growing up is hard work. After all, here you need to completely transform your personality, lifestyle and relationship with the outside world. Having done this, you will not recognize yourself - instead of a child in front of a mirror you will see an adult.

One of the quotes of the popular Indian mystic Osho says that, taking life in one's own hands, a person will be filled with energy and feel unprecedented changes.

There are many ways to grow up. But we will consider the five most effective of them.

1. Accustom yourself to set serious goals

If you want to enter adulthood, you just need to learn how to set goals. They should be big. This may be the development of a new profession, improving their skills and talents, creating a happy family, achieving material well-being, and so on.

2. Be responsible for yourself and for your actions.

Adult life is not a toy. Here, no one will solve your problems for you. Only a child can hide from them and do nothing. You must understand that you yourself must be responsible for yourself, your actions and for what happens to him. Only by becoming responsible can you live a happy and successful life.

3. Be independent

It is very important to be independent. A developed personality can always take care of itself and others. Therefore, starting at age 18, you need to rely only on yourself, and not on other people. It is important to ensure that you provide for yourself and do everything yourself, starting with the choice of a university and ending with planning for the future.

4. Study your “I”

In adulthood, it is extremely important to accept yourself as you are and look inside yourself in order to carefully examine your “I”. After all, only a child does not accept himself and does not understand what he really is. Studying your personality is a sober look at yourself, where all the weaknesses and strengths are visible. Seeing their weaknesses, the adult person must destroy them or turn them into advantages.

Also, expanding your horizons (traveling, a new favorite pastime, visiting exhibitions and various events), communicating and meeting new people will help to study yourself carefully.

5. Behave as an adult

And one more way to grow up is to behave as an adult. Like this? Firstly, you need to learn how to control your desires and those that are considered to be children’s desires should be curbed and directed to more mature goals.

It is also very important to say “No”. For example, if you were invited to a noisy party, and you plan to complete an urgent project this evening, then select the second option. After all, it is he who will lead you to success, and not partying until the morning. And also adults monitor their appearance. They eat only wholesome food, play sports, take care of clean skin and hair, wear neat clothes of a more restrained style to work. In addition, you must always be open and honest, and only then will the doors to a successful future open before you.

Growing up may not immediately come out, everything will happen with experience. Therefore, be patient and after a while you will achieve what you want.

What do adults usually do?

Naturally, all adults live separately from their parents and do everything themselves. They do everything on their own. All adults go to work and do adult work there. And to put it jokingly, then adults differ from people-children by growth. They are much higher than a human child.

If you recall your childhood, then that's exactly what I thought. I thought that adults are people who go to work, not to school or university. I thought that adults are people who cannot play anything, even if they want to. They just have to keep this desire in themselves (play a game). Adults do everything themselves, which is by no means true, and give birth to children. There is no more difference between a human child and an adult human.

Over time, I began to believe that an adult is someone who has sex. This is the one who smokes and drinks alcohol. Excuse me, but the stamps then made themselves felt. More recently, I got confused who adults are and who still have remained in deep childhood. Reflecting on this issue: who are adults, I have already drawn other conclusions. Everyone has their own versions on this subject, but willy-nilly, some adults prefer to remain a child. But to remain a child does not mean being unable to cope with "adult" business and work. Because many people now evaluate adults by their nature, behavior and, ultimately, what and how they do.

I would like to break into a few stereotypes and various thoughts about human maturity. The fact is that I know a woman who is already forty years old, and her daughter is already adult (relatively), and she, unfortunately, is still forced to live with her parents. She is a housewife and brings up a little son.

Talking to her, I see that she is an adult. She reasoned like an adult mom, and no outside "not mature" stamped circumstances did not prevent her from doing this. Therefore, it is important to conclude that an adult is not one who lives in "adult" conditions. An adult is what we are now about to consider.

Who are adults?

Adult people are, first of all, those people who have come to the realization that they are adults !! That is, they have a desire to become an adult and recognize themselves as such, despite the fact that they are told there. They know their pros and cons, and do everything in order to become adults and independent. It does not even depend on the conditions in which they now live: for example, with parents. Or while they cannot fully provide for themselves.

The fact is that they are trying to become independent. Become self-confident individuals. Indeed, confidence is the quality of an adult. An adult understands that he must take full responsibility. He does not push all the problems to others. He solves them himself, because he is interested. Because he himself wants to figure out his situation.

An adult is one who knows his goals and follows them. He knows his worth. He knows what he wants, with whom he can communicate, and with whom not. Others do not decide for him. He makes decisions and all its consequences.

An adult is endowed with self-discipline. That is, this is the person who made the decision and immediately made it. His way of behaving is different from a human child, and inner freedom is a worthy quality of an adult.

An adult man provides for himself and his family. It takes care of them and helps them in everything. An adult can be found by what and how he says.

How to grow up? How to become an adult?

  • Take responsibility. This we have already briefly discussed. The fact is that until a person takes all his thoughts, actions and actions under his responsibility, he will not be able to grow up. Because we ourselves remember such a childish expression: "He first started ..." It's funny if an adult says that. You must know what you want and what you must do. Everything that happens is the result of your adult decision. Taking responsibility, others do not decide for you what and how you need to do it. Parents used to do this. Now your decision is your choice.
  • Admit to yourself that you are a grown man. This is important because there are people to ask: "Do you think you're an adult? " Here you can hear the answer: "No, what are you ?! I don't want to grow up." Therefore, it is important to take such a seemingly small step. But he is important!
  • Reconsider your beliefs. The fact is that everyone has their own theory of growing up and their answers to who an adult is. Here you need to look at your opinion and what you believe in. All people are different, and as they say: "How many people - so many opinions." Just for someone you are considered an adult, and for someone else just a child. Therefore, it is important to reckon with your beliefs. If you are convinced that you are an adult and are taking the right steps to growing up, then you are an adult.
  • Do it yourself. An adult is one who is able to take care of himself. This is a fact, and it is worth accepting. It is necessary to accustom yourself to do everything yourself. For example, a woman at the age of 18 should already be able to cook. A man, too, but it will be better if he is already able to provide for himself. You can not rely on others. You can and should only rely on yourself. We all know how life can give a “magic” pendell. Женщина всю жизнь не работала, а только занималась детьми, и вдруг муж от неё уходит. И что остаётся делать женщине с детьми? Она вынуждена приспосабливаться и начать обеспечивать себя и своих детей. Поэтому я рекомендую вам не ждать, пока жизнь сделает вам такой пинок. Лучше готовьте себя ко всему прямо сейчас.
  • Ваше окружение. Окружение очень влияет на вас: "С кем поведёшься, того и наберёшься". Вам стоит задуматься над своим окружением. Do they make you think and act like an adult ?! But I'm not talking about the environment, which believes that the path of growing up lies through tobacco smoke and alcohol consumption.
  • Consistency in conditions. The harsher the conditions, the more mature you will become. You will gain both mind and wisdom, and form a character in yourself. But here you need constancy. Why? Nothing stands still. Just like our development. If you ride a bicycle uphill and stop, what will happen? You will roll down.

I remember how with my brother we opened a business (bulk ice cream). We were then 19 years old. Those conditions and people made me an adult. Because the environment was such and conditions. But, unfortunately, in the summer we had to roll up a bench, and everything returned to the circle of "own". After a while, I noticed that I behave as childish as before. And I concluded that only constant conditions can make us an adult.

On this for now, all the ways and advice end. You can become an adult at 15, or at 25. Everyone has their own way. It all starts with the desire and self-awareness of an adult. I recommend watching the video.